FANTASY FOOTBALL : News reports this week suggest world beating Prime Minister Boris Johnson has declined to entertain the English football team in the 10 Downing Street Rose Garden, even though he lets pretty much anyone else going by in.
Critics of the PM suggest that it’s because his failure to support the team early on in the Euros when some “fans” were booing the players taking the knee means he could hardly ask them around for a bbq now. But those critics fail to take into account that Mr Johnson’s neck is 100% brass and he could have fronted it out if he wanted to.
“The players told him to get stuffed and to take Priti Patel with him,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “I mean, the man is a disgrace to his office and a disgrace to civilisation. He has a long history of racist language and he gave the nod to the fans booing the players because he thought it would play well to his base. Well it turns out his base in this instance is a bloody sight smaller than he thought. Thank God.”
It’s also likely that the players, who appear fairly savvy politically, would have been aware that Mr Johnson would have leveraged any function with them to boost his own reputation. They weren’t going to used by the fatberg for his cynical damage control. But all is not lost for the beleaguered PM.
“It’s all good. He’s made another English football team out of empty wine crates. He’s got too many arts and crafts supplies anyway. He makes them constantly. So the new team and Mr Johnson will have a tea party together and he’ll be just fine with his make believe friends.”
But while an admirable attempt to move on from being snubbed by the fantastic young team, the arts and crafts team are also drawing criticism.
“Okay. Yes. The new team is all white players. But that’s down to the grapes Mr Johnson has been drinking. It’s all Sauvignon and Chardonnay and so on. You try making anything other than a blanc out of that! Any rumours the back of 10 Downing Street is overflowing with empty bottles of red is completely untrue.”