PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT : Exciting news today for anyone breeding locusts after 10 Downing Street issued an urgent announcement.
“Locusts. We need locusts,” a frantic 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “We will however consider crickets and cicadas too. Any insect form really that can be bred to plague levels and released upon the Suffolk Downs.”
The call for locusts comes after a secretive working committee within the executive discovered the Euro2020 football competition ends late Sunday night.
“There’s what? 48-72 hours of distraction left following the result? A week or two if we win I suppose. Then the tri-annual BBC specials, ‘A Very British Homecoming’, but it won’t be sufficient to distract from Covid for long. And Covid is distracting from Brexit. But there’s only so many people in the U.K. willing to give up their lives for that. So we need a fresh plague and we need it now.”
It’s believed a VIP channel has been established for anyone who can supply the insects and people are requested to WhatsApp their local Tory MP today.
“I’ll correct you there. It’s not a new VIP channel it’s the PPE one repurposed. Don’t go giving the public the idea that we’re wasteful with their money.”
The Chancellor is believed to be a strong supporter of the idea and is working up an appropriate slogan, although the “Eat Out to Help Out” slogan may also just be re-deployed.