IGNORANCE IS BLISS : The UK’s most famous “Runner Up Fireplace Salesman of the Month 2001” Gavin Williamson is looking to ban the use of mobile phones in state schools.
The motivation is presumed to be to distract from his appalling record as Education Secretary, which has surprised many as he keeps a whip on his desk.
It was initially thought that Mr Williamson’s pet tarantula could tour all state schools in England in a “show of force” to improve class discipline, but removing a vital, modern tool was settled upon as a much better deflection from the “natural herd immunity in schools” policy that is helping to British children win the war on the virus.
It’s not only class discipline that suffers when mobile phones are allowed onto school premises, it’s also respect for the children’s betters.
“All these poor children sharing memes mocking Gav? It’s not on,” an aide to Mr Williamson said. “If the Education Secretary can’t inspire fear how can he govern? Starving poor kids was an excellent part of this policy mix, but some bloody footballer stuffed that up.”
While class discipline is undoubtedly now a serious problem, some would suggest that Mr Williamson’s government’s catastrophic management of the pandemic is to blame and not phones.
“We have to get rid of school bubbles too. They kept bursting and alerting everyone to how we’re letting Delta rip through schools. It’s creating alarm. If people don’t know they’re at risk of catching the plague they won’t get tested. Fewer tests taken mean a lower case load. It’s just sensible governance.”
And while all of this is sound and sensible one or two critics are suggesting there’s a reason other than discipline behind the move to ban phones.
“If kids don’t have phones they can’t text each other to say they have Covid. They’ll have to meet up in person to do it. It’s genius.”