A THOUSAND YEARS OF BOLLOCKS : 10 Downing Street is neither confirming nor denying a leak from 10 Downing Street today regarding the incoming Great British Patriotism tests.
The tests are part of a far reaching agenda to terraform the ideological landscape of the country into one that is perfectly happy as an international money laundering centre, so long as everyone has a flag to look at.
To gauge progress in the mental assault some genius in the executive decided they were going to need metrics. Measures. Sample sizes. Graphs. Charts. Although not pie charts as Boris would eat them. Testing will help determine how hard the culture war needs to be ramped up on any given day. Do we need to deploy pictures of the Queen? Have someone daub paint on Churchill? Or break the glass and have a Spitfire fly past?
“The tests will be at walk-in centres and home tests,” our correspondent, who fabricated the leak, reveals. “The network of walk-in centres established across the country for the pandemic will simply be repurposed to test for patriotism. Although they’ll still be staffed by bored teenagers on minimum wage given very little training. I mean it’s as easy to spot someone who is a traitor, just like spotting someone with a bad cold.”
Home tests will be very similar to the walk-in ones, although less reliable until the Home Office has finished installing CCTV inside everyone’s TV’s. This rollout has hit a snag after the cameras provided came patterned in the North Korean flag and not the Union Flag.
While all of this is just expected to help make a success of Brexit a furious row has apparently broken out inside the cabinet.
“The tests are to be manufactured overseas. This is causing some brain hurt,” our correspondent reveals. “How will the tests be any good if they’re not British made?”
There is a precedent for such crisis though and LCD Views is confident our wise leadership will find it.
“We’ll just have the tests and their packaging delivered in separate consignments and then package them on English soil. That’ll be enough to justify putting the Union Flag on it.”