LEAVING ON A JET PLANE: F*cking useless Health Secretary Matt Hancock has had enough. Fed up of people moaning about covid, he has finally cracked. ‘If you hate it so much, then leave’ is now the official position.
LCD Views can exclusively reveal that Hancock’s latest Special Advisor is none other than Dave23891085 off Twitter. Extensive research reveals that Dave is a bot which specialises in dishing out quality advice to anyone who dares to criticise the Tories.
An unrepentant Hancock did the rounds of the TV news shows to promote his new strategy. “It’s a zero tolerance approach,” he said impatiently as one interviewer tried to engage him with reason. “I have no more tolerance! Covid is here to stay, and if you don’t like it, clear off and go to some ghastly Woke foreign country.”
One reporter had the temerity to point out that travel to foreign countries was banned. “Nonsense!” he snapped. “There’s plenty of jobs going in Australia, if you can’t stand our world beating super spreading virus. Go and grow Vegemite! And I don’t like your tone!”
Nobody will take Brits any more, wailed another journalist, desperate to make Hancock see sense. “Really!” Hancock scoffed. “It’s idiotic Remainer scum like you who are talking this country down all the time. Boris is doing his best, and our vaccine provision is the best in the world. Yes, vaccines, vaccines. Let’s talk about vaccines, because what we need is freedom. People died for your freedom, and if you don’t like that, then maybe you should go elsewhere!”
Hancock paused, apparently deep in thought. “It is noble to die for your country,” he announced, finally. “Yes, we must lay down our lives for our freedom. And anyone consciously objecting should be given a white feather and deported. I’ll get the Prittster onto it immediately!”
With that, he stepped into the aeroplane and set off for pastures new.