ROTTEN TO THE CORE: A remarkable claim has been made by an obscure Tory MP desperate to jump on the Cancel Culture bandwagon. A BLM activist, he claims, consumed his family pet.
MP for the Rotten Borough of Canker-on-the-Quince, Sir Willie Warmer-FitzNicely, wrote an angry letter to the editor of the Canker Chronicle. In this missive he alleges that the local BLM group purloined the unfortunate rodent, before cooking it and sharing it as a communal meal.
“It’s not the loss of a much-ignored family pet,” wailed Sir Willie’s prose. “It’s the symbolism I detest, the Marxist way in which these Woke types distributed little Hampers around the group of probably 5,000,000 activists, all threatening our way of life by kneeling down occasionally.”
Sir Willie goes on to paint a broader picture of life in the Borough. “We do not accept the validity of BLM in Canker-on-the-Quince,” he writes. “People want to go about their daily business of organising huge balls at their modest stately piles. There is a steady rhythm of preparation, gathering, drinking too much, and getting off with the chambermaid. Then next month, repeat at the next venue on the social calendar, a calendar that has remained unchanged since 1743. Traditions matter in these parts. We do not want to have to kneel down every time one of those ghastly Association Soccer games bullies off. These do-gooders do not understand that Canker residents simply do not bow down to anyone else, especially not bleeding heart lefties.”
The response has been simple astonishment. “I don’t know what Sir Willie thinks of his fellow villagers,” wrote one resident on the Canker residents’ Facebook page. “There are no activists here, unless you count the WI. And they certainly wouldn’t pinch a hamster, far less bake it into a cake. The poor animal probably escaped when its cage was being cleaned. Sir Willie should withdraw his remarks!”
“Willie out! Now!” was a far more pithy comment.
There has been no official comment yet from Number Ten, although they did confirm that a large consignment of uncategorised meat is making its way to Australia.