TRADITIONAL BRITISH VALUES : Page three of both classic printed newspapers and webpages could be about to undergo an eye popping return to former glories following the last dicktat from Downing Street.
It’s long been known on Fleet Street that the plummet in popularity of tabloids and their sales is because of the disastrous hiring of woke editors. Happily for the dinosaurs Iain Duncan Smith has some helpful suggestions.
“It’s not just imperial measurements and witch trials the giant brain of Iain’s has suggested stage a comeback to make post Brexit Britain great, it’s also girls, girls, girls,” a 10 Downing Street source reveals all!
It’s expected that Mr Johnson himself will personally be holding private meetings with the editors of the Sun, and other flagships of British journalistic standards, and putting Duncan’s revolutionary ideas to them.
“It’s likely to solve the trucker shortage at a stroke too,” the source adds, “it’s well known that EU truckers started deserting the U.K. once page 3 vanished. You try reading a paper in a foreign language that skips from page two to page four and see if you can make head or tails of it.”
Culture Minister Oliver Dowden is also believed to be enthusiastic about the plan and looking forward to ordering editors to have “Staycee 22, Burnsheep” enthusing about how if it wasn’t for Brexit we wouldn’t have had the viral success we have managed with the pandemic.
“She’ll also be enthusing about how new technology will soon solve the Irish Border issues just so long as the EU shows pragmatism and extends the sausage meat transition period to 2053.”