FULL METAL SPAFFET : Reports are breaking of “alarm” and “scenes of disarray” in 10 Downing Street after the G7 summit concluded in Cornwall without Boris Johnson making any new friends.
It was assumed that the powerhouse British PM would be able to charm and “baffle with bullshit” some of the most powerful people on Earth once he got them alone and “hammered”. Not so.
“THERE IS NO PLAN B!” a panicked 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Well there is. But he makes music. There is no plan B in Downing Street to get our own way internationally other than having Johnson talk a load of cobblers. What will we do? We can’t start a war to distract the domestic voters without the yanks and they hate us!”
Exactly how Mr Johnson’s famous bonhomie and ability to construct endless word salads didn’t impact forcefully on the other leaders is a puzzle that will need to be solved fast.
“It was guaranteed to succeed. Johnson shambling around with a fixed grin and play acting the role of a Charlie Chaplin character mashed into a C-grade Churchill impersonation. How did it not pierce the mental armour of some of the world’s most focused and detail orientated leaders? Complete mystery. He didn’t even pull at the after party! Total catastrophe. He had to go home with his wife! And he only married her because otherwise she couldn’t be involved in the photo shoots. It’s ALL FOR NOTHING!”
The one consolation is that while international relations maybe more difficult, now that the other leaders have met Johnson in person, he can rely on domestic tabloids proclaiming the summit as a triumph for Brexit Britain.
“We do at least have that. No one in the U.K. will see the event as anything other than a total triumph for the old fraudevillian.”