LIVEN UP ANY PARTY : G7 meetings are famously boring ever since Russia decided it would no longer be present in person and instead decided to send first Donald Trump and then Boris Johnson. Happily Mr Johnson is determined to fill the void left by Mr Putin, even if he must do so with his shirt on.
This week’s gathering in Cornwall is no exception. While many of the people gathered are busying themselves wondering when Cornwall will declare independence, before or after Nicola Sturgeon? Mr Johnson is up to the task of ignoring the peripheral issues and leading.
How better to lead some of the most high profile people on Earth than with examples of your own achievements. Mr Johnson is a man who can point to a cupboard full of such. But it’s not just abandoned children shoved in behind arts and crafts projects, according to Britain’s greatest war time Prime Minister he is also responsible for a famous vegetable.
“Like Agamemnon attempting to refine the colour of carrots from purple to the now ubiquitous orange, I have faced the intense heat of horticultural invention face first. Not many people know this, but I have invented the iceberg lettuce! Today I reveal to you my finest creation. You will all receive one to take home to your countries where you are free to grow as many as you like so long as you agree to pay for my curtains.”
Reports from inside the meeting room say the announcement was met with “stunned silence”.
But Mr Johnson was not finished he had another exciting, world changing use for the lettuce.
“Once we disperse today and return to our solitary corners of the globe I will breed a super iceberg lettuce. A lettuce so large once it is set sail on the North Sea it will singlehandedly deal with climate change.”
If you ever wondered what legacy Mr Johnson will leave behind when he ceases to govern Great Britain you now have your answer.