BORIS JOHNSON IS A FAMOUS LIBERAL : The United Kingdom’s Prime Minister is leading the G7 this week with a display of the exciting possibilities of being elected to government.
While some daft people seem to expect elected governments not to break manifesto commitments unless circumstances prevent them being implemented, Mr Johnson isn’t having any of that boring nonsense. He’s showing the big boys that you can get elected and act like a tyrant and disregard all your prior promises.
“Breaking the manifesto commitment to maintain International Aid spending at a fraction of that committed to dodgy PPE deals with Tory donors is an example of democracy in action,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It will show Biden what he’s up against too when he tries to grab Boris by the ear and twist it over Northern Ireland. Look buddy, we’ll break whatever commitments we choose and it doesn’t matter if it potentially means dull people in faraway places die.”
The decision to lower Global Britain’s aid spending will hit some of the world’s poorest people where it hurts. Namely food, water and medicine. But No 10 has some sound advice.
“For too long we’ve given to places like Yemen with one hand and taken away with the other,” the source admits. “We both sell the bombs that are dropped on their civilian populations to devastating effect and we pay for them to drink clean water at the ensuing funerals. This is a key plank of our international business deals with arms sales. And I’d like to thank the Royals for hosting all those events to help us sell the arms. It’s a team effort at team GB!”
But what are the world’s poorest people supposed to do once the aid cuts bite?
“Don’t come here! Ha! Imagine the look on Patel’s face? No. Stay home and get into international arms sales yourself. We make billions and billions every year from them. Given how many of the bombs fall on the heads of the poor you’d think they’d have worked out it was good business by now!”