CASHIN’ IN AND CASHIN’ OUT : GLOBAL TRACK AND TRACE SUPERSTAR DIDO HARDING has taken a few moments out of her search for the Loch Ness Monster to talk to the press about her time running the UK’s world beating Track & Trace service.
Harding gave the interview while wearing a 24ct gold suit and a bespoke neck torc made entirely of brass. The reason for talking now was to reassure everyone that if she gets to run the NHS we will all get exactly what we expect.
LCD Views doubts Harding will head up the NHS and suspects the story is just a dead cat. However we are currently run by complete bellends so anything is possible. The least we can do is let Dido explain what happened with track and trace.
“That’s not my fault,” Ms Harding shrugged. “I’m a jockey. Exactly what did you expect when I’ve already failed at a mobile phone company? Yeah, let’s get her to set up from scratch an infectious disease track, trace and isolate service. Sheer bloody genius don’t you think? Let’s use our corporate donors who also have zero experience and generally screw up everything but accepting the public cash. Megabrain stuff. Especially as there was already a vast network of public health assets experienced at the task who just needed the resources.”
While Harding’s invented self-awareness in her media round may reassure some, most will remain concern she is a prime example of how fast you can fail upwards in the Tory chumocracy.
“If you’ve got any problems with my work take it up with the anti-corruption tsar. He’s my husband. And yes, we are laughing at you. You’re pathetic.”
The interview round was terminated abruptly at that point, although it did take Harding some time to leave the studio due to the weight of her suit.
“Best if you go first,” she muttered. “I’ll crawl away quietly into a corner with all this gold until I’m needed again.”
*naughty puppy on torn chair used as image as Shutterstock offers you a naughty puppy on a chair when you search for Dido Harding. Well.