SAVE YOURSELVES : Dramatic scenes across the country today after an impromptu address to the nation by part time Prime Minister, and full time refurbisher, Boris Johnson.
The scenes of chaos occurred instantaneously even before he had finished giving his speech, which it is rumoured was only scripted by “excessive quantities of champagne and presumably some claret”.
Our correspondent was on the scene as the M4 filled with frantic motorists attempting to escape to whatever valley or hill they could.
“It’s mania as cars and vans hastily packed with possessions and families jam onto the M4, M3 and M25,” they reported. “I saw one vehicle in which the dog was strapped to the bonnet and a birdcage tied to the roof with someone’s grandmother. The hard shoulder is already a race track and police appear to have joined the tidal wave rather than attempt to contain it.”
It’s believed Nicola Sturgeon and Mark Drakeford have convened an emergency summit with the leader of the newly created Republic of Kernow and are expected to agree to close all borders to England so they “don’t screw up all our efforts like every other time.”
People who have not yet watched the PM’s speech are warned not to. Don’t even catch up with outtakes on social media.
It’s thought the major trigger for the debacle was Mr Johnson’s decision to focus on the rising viral case load. It is already over the daily total which failed to trigger the “circuit breaker” last September. Only vaccines can save us now.
The exact phrase that caused the mass movement of people was Mr Johnson saying he was going to save the summer “like he saved Christmas.”