DEAD CAT RUNNING : Downbeat faces in 10 Downing Street this morning after the realisation that they’ve thrown the wedding dead cat onto the news cycle table a couple of days early.
The announcement of the future perfect event that Boris Johnson will have married again mid 2022 was planned to have happened this coming Wednesday just as Dom revealed everything about the pandemic bungling that we all already know. Classic.
“Someone leaked the news of the nuptials early,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Or maybe one of the planning notes was thrown out in the trash with some very expensive takeaway boxes? Either way it’s a problem. He may have to call the whole thing off. Which is actually his preference anyway now that his current partner has delivered.”
But there is still some fur to fly because although they announced Mr Johnson intends to wed again, careful reading of the press release shows they haven’t said to who.
“That’s some consolation. We can announce that on Wednesday. He hasn’t decided yet. It’s unlikely to be Carrie as that’s pushing the upper limit of credibility. Maybe Margaret Thatcher? If a spiritualist is prepared to take on the task of contacting her in Hell. Maybe Winston Churchill’s statue to completely own the woke. Maybe some new girl altogether. The suspense is great.”
Critics have suggested that Mr Johnson should marry the fishing industry as he’s already screwed it senseless. Now he “should make an honest industry of it.”
Other voices are urging the self-obsessed, country trashing, viral ripping sociopath to just get it over and done with and finally marry the love of his life. Namely “himself”.