SOILED SOILS : Downing Street has issued a notice today that all U.K. farms are to close immediately in preference for alternative supplies of food.
Rumours say the startling decision comes off the back of “an offer too good to refuse” which was sent to a cabinet minister via WhatsApp.
The minister concerned hasn’t been identified but it is believed to be the Health Secretary. Mr Hancock has become famous for arranging supplies of vital equipment via the messaging service throughout the pandemic. Whether or the not the price is market rate and the equipment useable isn’t of concern. The same rigour will be applied to transferring taxpayers’ money for food.
“I can confirm that the new supplier of all the food the U.K. needs has carved a tidy and profitable niche for themselves in PPE. It’s a natural extension to move into food.”
It’s further suggested the mystery supplier will receive the contract to supply “all food” uncontested and the deal is worth “Trillions. Enough to buy entire villages worth of Georgian mansions.”
Happily the U.K. consumer will not notice any serious difference from today as “the food will all be packaged in Union Flags and is definitely likely to be edible by something.”
How U.K. farmers will take the news of their immediate redundancy has not been explored because “Brexit has been delivered and they’ve outlived their usefulness.”
Anyone concerned however that the Prime Minister’s food supply may become substandard need not worry as he’ll “continue to receive thousands and thousands of pounds of luxury food delivered to Downing Street as befits a ruling monarch.”