MAKING THE TRAINS RUN ON TIME: In the frenzy over the rebranding of our national rail service, one point has been overlooked. Great British Railways will actually be operated by buses.
The Great British Rail Replacement Bus is as much a part of the British psyche as crap food and holidays on a freezing windswept beach in pouring rain in August. We crave the disappointment, the misery and the expense. Post-Brexit Britain is finally getting back on track.
Meanwhile there’s all the existing rail infrastructure. There’s plenty of scrap iron rails and land to give to Tory donors to sell. It’s a platform for Great British Asset Stripping.
The trains themselves will go back to the EU. European operators who own the rail franchises. It’s about time we ended their Free Movement over Our Railways. Don’t they know we invented trains? Thomas the Tank Engine will be spinning on his turntable.
We true patriotic Great British People are sick of the EU meddling with Our Country. We are tired of their so-called efficiency, tired of cheap, fast, clean journeys. We crave being stuck in a cold, leaky compartment with unpredictable angry strangers. We want to be late arriving at our destination. We enjoy the lottery of finding the right train on the right platform at the right time. We yearn for the times when we halt in the middle of nowhere for no good reason, with no food, information, or toilets.
The Great British Rail Replacement Bus Service will tick all the boxes. It only needs Great British Curly Sandwiches and Great British Fare Rises to complete the picture.
The sides of the buses will provide advertising space. This will bring extra profit to the bus companies. Insiders expect the first bus to read “£350m for the NHS” and the rest to be covered with laughing emojis.
Could transport be any more patriotic without sticking a Union Jack on the side of the trains?