A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME : Exciting developments in the food charity sector today as the Prime Minister is rumoured to have personally intervened to cheer everyone up.
“The Prime Minister was enjoying foi gras, Bollie of course, lobster thermidor, veal, baby seal and a dessert of the pickled tears of orphans last night when it hit him square between the eyes,” a 10 Downing Street source said, and no they aren’t referring to a paternity test.
“Queuing at food banks would clearly be made more exciting if you could be guaranteed Dominic Raab would appear for a photoshoot while you waited your turn there with your reusable plastic bags. We can’t do that. But we can rename the uplifting outlets to something more patriotic. After all, what is more important than food for the soul?”
Clearly this is the way forward, especially in an era of increasing job insecurity and lower benefits.
“It really is a masterstroke. All British food banks will be renamed Great British Food Banks as soon as possible. Fluorescent signage. The lot. Even one of those inflatables that waves its arms about to attract attention. Union Flag pattern of course. The contract for the new store fronts will be handed out to a Tory donor to ensure action is taken as fast as is humanely possible.”
Critics have suggested with the PM’s much trumpeted plan to “level back better” the food banks will soon be obsolete and the new signage not required. We put this to Downing Street and they laughed so hard we feared someone would get injured.
“Remember, when you’re laying in the gutter you have to look to the stars. They hover over Great British Food Banks and twinkle like a patriot’s famine wracked eyes.”
Take a bow Global Britain. Sorry. That should be Great Global Britain. You’re about to host the G7 and you’ve MPs who pose for photos at Great British Food Banks.