ONE DAY AT A TIME : Great news for British farmers today as the government looks set to offer them the same long term security they have provided the fishing Industry.
“I can assure every producer of beef and lamb in the country that the prime minister’s massive overproduction of horse and bullshit will only augment the productivity of their green and pleasant pastures,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman will tell the sector later today.
“It is a simple matter of news cycle management. Mr Johnson delayed placing India on the red list until it was too late to keep the Indian variant out of the United Kingdom. The logic for this was fair play. He didn’t place Kent on any international travel lists late last year, as he was delaying lockdown and tens of thousands of people died. But he’s kept his job. This allows him now to sacrifice yours for news cycle management. He thanks you for your willingness to vote for the Conservative Party, in spite of all the glaring evidence over years that you’re essentially sacrificial lambs. But only when the time is right.”
The statement will be viewed as a relief by the UK’s meat producers who will soon have the opportunity to retrain as either “fishermen or ballerinas.” Although cyber should also be considered.
But critics of the PM’s decision to place short term political gain over the security of the UK’s food supply are concerned that one or two vital elements are missing from the deal Ms Truss has drafted.
“There must be a strict condition that all live imports of beef and sheep are wrapped in Union Flags. It’s about the optics. Bankrupt farmers UC applications must also be printed on Union Flag patterned paper. So long as everything appears patriotic we can do what we like with the populace. Just ask the Red Wall! Last time we were in power we demolished their economies and look at the voting patterns now. Ha!”
There are currently no plans for further photo shoots featuring the PM in rural landscapes.