THROW ANOTHER BRITISH SECTOR ON THE BARBIE : THE PRIME MINISTER Boris Johnson is now completely insane and to prove it he has announced plans to build an actual bridge from Dover to Australia.
“We’re not sure exactly where in Australia the bridge will terminate,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “That’s because they haven’t agreed to it. But little details like that aren’t something to stop a man like Boris announcing a giant infrastructure project. You just have to believe.”
Belief is clearly not a problem for Britain’s most upbeat PM since the Napoleonic Wars. It is rumoured he has already allocated several billion to the feasibility studies.
“The bridge will ensure that any future blockages in the Suez Canal will not stop Brits barbecuing this summer,” the source adds. “Lesser countries may see their live sheep and cattle imports stuck in some environmental nightmare in a watery Egyptian ditch, but not Brexit Britain! Our imports will just walk right over the top with gleeful shepherds and happy working dogs laughing at the mess down below.”
The decision to agree to import meat from Oz, and thus ruining British businesses in the process, is seen as the next stage of the Brexit project.
“We’ve shafted the city of London. We’ve shafted the fishermen. Now it’s time to give the farmers a proper seeing to!”
But not everyone is pleased. Some have pointed out that forgoing imports a few miles away across the Channel in favour of lesser quality meat from the Antipodes doesn’t exactly bolster the PM’s environmental credentials.
“That’s where you’ve gone wrong,” the source corrects, “you’re assuming he gives a flying toss about having any. Muppet.”
The shade thrown down by the bridge was also initially thought to be an issue for the people it will pass over until a decision was made to paint the underbelly in Union Flag colours.
“Rain, hail or shine you can’t stop Brits barbecuing. And with billions going out the door in feasibility studies alone this is a giant boost to the only actual outcome that is important to modern Conservatives. That of emptying the public purse into their pockets.”
Throw another UK sector on the barbie? Yes please. And crack another can while you’re at it!