IT COMES NATURALLY : A British-American man has spoken today of the great “lengths and strides” he is going to to fulfil his destructive potential.
The list of damage is now so impressive it is accurately described as “world beating” especially in the areas of national reputation and heft, trade and avoidable pandemic death count.
The man has not been described by friends, as he doesn’t really have any, but close witnesses have said he has “A reverse Midas touch that just instantly turns anything he touches into shit and destroys the dreams of anyone in the vicinity,” although clearly the actual Midas touch would serve just as well for his purposes.
But defenders of the man have said he is actually a top secret, British military weapon of mass destruction in the “advanced testing phase”.
It is to be hoped this is the case, given he clearly has country destroying potential once a target is acquired.
“The only problem with this long running field test is that we accidentally aimed the weapon at ourselves instead of a dummy target. Which we admit was pretty stupid.”
In their defence they do offer the following justification.
”The BoRiS Weapon is so outlandish and unrefined it never occurred to us that any healthy political system would not have intervened early and hit the self detonation switch. We did build that in as a fail safe for the test phase. The weapon actually keeps hitting it itself, but onlookers just cheer and think how funny he is.”
And the only target the weapon is so far unable to destroy is the Tory Party, who just keep cashing the cheques exploding from the epicentre of national disaster.