SOWING AND WEEPING : Humans need certainty and British farmers are humans. Happily for them the UK government has realised this and acted on the responsibility to provide them with certainty in the post-Brexit period.
“We’re going to make them unemployed,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “George Useless is on the case. We didn’t recruit him from UKIP because he was a genius. It’s clear also that humans need a narrative, so we’ll be providing one of those also. It will change daily. You can be certain of it.”
But it’s not all sowing and weeping for the UK’s agricultural sector as George and the other brainiacs are full of helpful suggestions of paths forward through the tangled thickets of Brexit.
“They can retrain as fishermen. Similar sort of occupation. Earthy. Out in the wind and rain. Enjoying the cool breezes under the blazing sun. Still working with their hands. Still putting food on the table. Or if they want a radical change they can retrain as ballerinas. Fatima has left dance to become a coding whiz. Plenty of openings in the theatres. And thanks to our mismanagement of the pandemic, plenty of closings too. Ripe for regrowth. It’s all been taken care of.”
It’s also clear that what is also being taken care of, daily, is Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s weird and intensely corrosive drive to destroy anyone who put faith in him.
“At least now we can claim a win for Brexit. We have taken our newly recovered sovereignty as a free trading nation off the coast of the failing EU superstate, converted it into a pistol and shot our farmers in both feet. That’s a Brexiters way of saying thank you.”