Man screwing entire country advises you to “hug cautiously”

IRREVERSIBLE AS DEATH : Whatever you do today do it with feeling. If you’re planning on sitting inside a pub enjoying that long awaited pint breathe in the atmosphere, don’t be afraid. If you’re planning on getting in a fight at Luton throw yourself into it mind and body and soul. But not if you’re planning on hugging.

“Clearly hugging must be done with caution. Take it slow. Use the time available. How you manage to hug cautiously will be up to you to solve. This is just in keeping with our mixed messaging. And remember bunnies must be hugged cautiously,” a 10 Downing Street source advises.

“Hug them too tight and the entire petrochemical industry is in danger. But if you’re planning on hugging your gran make sure you don’t have a cold. Do it carefully, but irreversibly. Bring her in close and hope she’s had the second dose. Cross your fingers and pray for the best. It’s the way the PM manages the pandemic. So if it’s good enough for him it’s good enough for all of you. Those of you that are left.”

If you’re finding all of this a little confusing that’s because it is. Muddled thinking right at the top.

“Just follow Mr Johnson’s advice and personal example and you’ll be disputing paternity in a court of law before you know it,” the source confirms. “Use the prophylactic available clearly. But when? Remember that the old saying about shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted is excellent advice. You don’t want any old nag just wandering into your stable while your own is out for a jaunt!”

Perhaps also it maybe good advice to use your famous British common sense.

”Definitely. It’s got us this far hasn’t it? It saw Mr Johnson re-elected with a stinking majority. Thanks to that he can do more than cautiously hug. He’s thrown caution to the wind and is screwing the entire country.”

He’s an expert at throwing caution to the wind. We’re seeing it again today as the variant spreads and the lockdown eases. Look out for yourselves. Definitely be cautious and be careful who you hug. Unless it’s a bunny.

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