LEAD WEIGHTS PREFERRED : Great news for people who like people this week with British Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s plans to open the country back up. Covid is on the retreat for now, but that doesn’t mean we have to let it go too easily.
From May 17th people in England will be able to hug again, which will probably come as a bit of a surprise to people who live together. They may not have been aware they were supposed to have stopped all that late last year.
The exact way in which you can hug again was described by the PM has “cautiously”, leading to some scratching of heads.
“If you hug from a distance it’s not a hug? Does he mean to seek consent first? That’s standard. Does he mean to do it virtually? That would be pointless. Does he mean to use birth control? Sounds unlikely, given his history. What in Hell does he mean? Maybe no tongues? Hold your breathe while you do it? What exactly does he mean? What? Just WHAT?” one confused punter asked LCD Views.
So we asked the experts. We’ve never stopped liking them. We can never get enough of them.
“I can’t clarify anything the bumbling old walrus says or does,” Professor Fhour Fook-saek replied to our inquiry. “The phrase cautiously hug is inherently self-contradictory. But I can tell you for nothing that if you plan on hugging Boris Johnson the only cautious way to do it is to first sink him into The Mariana Trench. Then use virtual reality. You’ll still need a wash afterwards.”