THE LAST KING OF ENGLAND : Great news for high end painters and decorators today after a 10 Downing Street leak revealed the Prime Minister has offered to sell Scotland to the EU.
There was deep concern that CASH STRAPPED Boris Johnson may not have enough readies to retile the No 11 flat in actual elephant fur but a late night drinking session appears to have been a fortunate decision.
“It was while opening the third crate of Bollinger manfully himself that the PM paused,” a Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “He stared with widening eyes and said, just a minute, just a minute, no hesitation, deviation or…before falling silent. Next he belched and fist pumped the air several times. Muttered something about so many kids and school fees before belching again.”
It was after the second round of belching that the genius wheeze was finally verbalised.
“Didn’t the Reds sell Kissinger Alaska?” the PM is reported to have demanded of his drinking companions. “Why in blazes can’t we just flog Scotland off to Brussels?”
Why not indeed.
“The jocks will go for it. Old Barnier gets to write a sequel after the sales negotiations and Carrie gets to buy whatever the bally hell carpet she likes for the WC.”
It’s not expected that Scotland will be consulted on the potential sale as that would just “give them ideas above their station”.
What Brussels will make of the offer isn’t entirely clear, nor what Scots Tories will think. The idea is said to have found immediate favour among the cabinet as they’re all nodding dogs.
“Gove can pitch it to the British public. Not that anyone is paying attention to what we do anyway. And it’ll nicely stitch up Sturgeon. Imagine being this close to her dreams and having them snatched away in a real estate transaction. Classic Boris.”
The plan also solves a recurring problem for backbench Tory MPs who won’t have to worry about hanging the Union Jack the wrong way up anymore, as it will just be a red cross.
If the sale is successful it will also open the doors to selling Wales next and potentially Northern Ireland to Joe Biden.
“Boris has overseen one of the worst pandemic mortality responses on the planet and gotten away with it. The skies the limit. Well, just north of Newcastle maybe the limit soon but who cares?”