BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR : The Prime Minister is to announce later today a building boom for the good people of Hartlepool to thank them for electing a ToryKip MP.
The building that will be booming is the first Debtors Prison to be constructed in England since the mid-Victorian period.
“The good people of Hartlepool have voted for change and change they will get,” the PM will promise. “You have chosen to reward my industrial scale lying, the preventable deaths of tens of thousands of your fellow citizens, the destablilsation of peace in Northern Ireland, the almost certain breakup of the United Kingdom, the hardship inflicted on your people over 11 years now and the promise of a war with France by electing a resident of the Cayman Islands to serve their interests at Westminster. It’s hard to express how deep my gratitude is. The decision to break your ground and erect a monstrosity is just the beginning.”
It’s believed a Tory donor and “close friend of the Prime Minister” will win the contract to build the prison and most of the materials used will be imported “for a laugh”.
“The prison will bring together people from across the length and breadth of the United Kingdom and is part of our reinvigorated agenda of levelling up and building back better [debtors prisons].”
It’s not yet known which MP will be chosen to cut the ribbon upon completion, although the member for the Victorian era, Jacob Rees-mogg, is said to be almost tumescent at the prospect.
“The prison will not just be there to punish recalcitrant tenants of slum Tory landlords, but to improve and better their characters by long working hours, a diet of gruel and the prospect of hand stitching Union Jack flags until an early grave.”
For its part the Labour leadership have yet to comment on the plans, being too busy wondering why continuing the policy of validating the fascist Tory political project of Brexit, started under Jeremy Corbyn, is yet to yield electoral success. Completely baffling. There is an argument to be won and they’re still determined not to have it.
A delegation of former fishermen have been asked to form a choir to sing “Land of Hope and Glory” on the day the Debtors Prison opens. Which is nice.