CLOSE CALL : The French government has announced it has drawn back from plans for a full scale military invasion of the UK’s fishing grounds, much to the disgust of kippers.
The majority of the Brexit backing UK press were gun-ho for an invasion and a war. The failure of Macron to take the bait and attack the UK is seen as a massive setback for Brexit. An immediate search is on to find another agreement to break in the hope of causing violent reprisals.
“We’ll have to try something else now,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Maybe we should stop trying to break international law and just outlaw croissants? Outlaw French wine imports. Outlaw French kissing. Outlaw French windows. Outlaw lingerie. Outlaw baguettes. Outlaw the eating of all land molluscs. Make it a full scale assault on the entirety of French culture. That may do the trick. Alternatively we could just sent Lord Frost back across the Channel.”
The search is also on for exactly why the French pulled back just as it looked like they were going to nuke Jersey.
“We realised that Prime Minister (pause for laughter) Boris Johnson has already destroyed the United Kingdom’s fishing industry. What is the point of grabbing the lure he threw in front of us then? We just decided to go home and wait for him to back down, as always.”
The one thing Downing Street has achieved though is a distraction on polling day. Which is nice.
“Johnson can take the rank of Admiral now. He loves dressing up. Antagonising our friends and allies is just for kicks. His real passion is make believe with the costume box. Then breaking stuff, like the country. Just because he can. Or he’s a foreign asset? No one is really sure which.”