THE SUNLIT UPLANDS ARE IN SIGHT: Britain’s greatest ever export commodity, war, is being delivered to France right now. 50 years of oppressive EU rule prevented this. It’s a tangible benefit at long last.
According to the Foreign Secretary, warships have been dispatched to Jersey, which is allegedly near France. This represents a huge improvement in Dominic Raab’s geography skills.
Rumours that Raab was supposed to attack Germany, not Jersey, have little basis in fact.
“This is a massive victory for Brexit Britain!” claimed Jack Boot at the Department of Delicate Negotiations. “For 50 years now, the EU has demanded that we were friendly with France, our natural enemy. The EU flag should have been a white flag of surrender! But now we have the Freedom and Sovereignty to invade when we please, and put the cheese eating surrender monkeys in their place!”
Boot was coy about the ultimate ambition of the new war, beyond taunting the French and finally getting revenge on the soldiers who farted in our general direction.
But you can extrapolate. The USA bombs the Middle East in order to install western democracy. The UK tends to mimic the USA in a very amateur, British way. So the ultimate aim must be to make France’s government like the UK’s.
“That’s what levelling up involves,” Boot confirmed. “Dragging the French down to our level. I mean, dragging them up by their bootstraps. Then we can oversee free and fair elections, which will guarantee a government in the image of a true British democracy.”
The timing of this invasion, immediately before an election, is completely coincidental. As are Conservative Party campaign leaflets reading “Vote for us if you want to see the French crushed in battle!”
After all, a long and ultimately futile campaign, involving vast expense, no benefits, and a lowering of standards across the board, will appeal to everyone who thinks Brexit is a good idea.