WHEN SHITBERGS COLLIDE : THE PRIME MINISTER is to clear the decks of all tasks today except for the pandemic and focus solely on that.
He will do this by phoning each and every cabinet minister to ask if they’re “with me or Gove”. It’s understood the actual phrasing will employ significantly more obscenities and scatological references than we are at liberty to employ.
It’s likely he will start with the most senior members first, ones who have compromised themselves significantly during the world beating fight to make the pandemic in the UK go tantric. Emotive phrases will be used such as “if I go down you’re coming with me” and “I made you and I can break you.”
There will clearly be a pause for lunch. It will begin at 11:30am and is expected to conclude around 3pm, once all the claret has been drunk. After that he will return to focusing on the pandemic by phoning more junior members and launching scathing attacks on their loyalty.
What Mr Gove will be doing at the same time isn’t entirely clear as he is alleged to have done most of his work during the recent weeks when he was MIA.
“If you’re going to shoot the king, don’t miss” is thought to be an adage that Mr Gove employed fully in the weeks leading up to the attempts to dethrone Mr Johnson. Although given Mr Gove is a serial loser when it actually comes time to seize power, it’s thought Mr Hunt, Ms Patel, Mr Hancock, Mr Raab and others will be pledging their support to him while also pondering how they will redecorate the No 11 flat back from bordello.
One thing we can all hope is that in the Tory leadership contest to come that Matt Hancock tries again and revises his famous line about not supporting the prorogation of parliament in the service of Brexit as that would go against “everything those men fought and died for on those beaches”. He famously did exactly that and it proves he has the calibre to lead the modern Conservative Party.
Good luck to all contenders, it’s only the country that is paying for your serial shithousery. Hoograh!