Stop whatever you are doing. Now. Just in case you are already triggered by my headline. Those who take offence at flags, old-school calling a spade a flipping shovel, and people having more money than you, sit down and pour yourself a stiff dandelion tea. Now.
Political correctness be damned. If I want to make a shepherd’s pie the traditional way, but introduce a couple of novel ingredients BECAUSE I HAPPEN TO LIKE THEM, what business is it of yours? Sip your plant-bothering bunny-hugging vegan Marxist Conservative bleeding-heart herbal muck, if you must, and do try to man up a bit.
Every day, it seems, brings another instance in common everyday life where one feels the Woke Brigade breathing down one’s neck. Not in person, of course, one would set the hounds on them if they came within a ten mile radius, but that unnecessary worry is always there. One is forever waiting for the Left Wing Media to pounce. This is not a petty matter. This is an entire way of life under threat, just in case you think that we UnoTesticular readers are thin-skinned snowflakes who, deep down, realise that they are archaic dinosaurs with the social mores of a face-eating leopard.
So, without further ado, I would like to share my Genuine English Shepherd’s Pie recipe, made with genuine British shepherds. (If Harrod’s is out of stock, and you are slumming it in Waitrose, don’t worry, they do a perfectly acceptable range of British Tradesmen.)
All measures, needless to say, are in Imperial.
1 massive knob (of butter)
1 Spanish ENGLISH onion
2 BRITISH shepherds, peeled and chopped
A goodly splodge of Greek-style ENGLISH yogurt
1 tin Italian ENGLISH tomatoes
1 teaspoon Dijon NORWICH mustard
1 enormous chip on the shoulder
ABSOLUTELY NO QUINOA
Combine the ingredients together (or get Cook to do it), cover with BRITISH mashed potato, and bake for a while. If you CHOOSE to include tomato ketchup or Worcestershire sauce, GOOD FOR YOU.
Serve on a bed of Union Jacks with a fine ENGLISH wine, and enjoy the warm sensation of self-righteous superiority seeping through your veins. And may the Woke Brigade choke on their free-range organic cornflakes.