THE FREE LUNCH : The UK’s tireless pub bore, and also prime minister, Boris Johnson is rumoured to have agreed a world beating deal with offshore billionaire James Dyson.
The deal is rumoured to be statuesque and will see the tired old, troublemaking statue of Winston Churchill replaced with one of Mr Dyson.
“The new Dyson statue will be made of plastic, just like his vacuum cleaners and his patriotism,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views.
The statue will be manufactured by Mr Dyson personally using British taxpayer funds and will come with a sizeable tax deduction upon completion.
Mr Johnson is said to have been thrilled when approached by Mr Dyson with the offer as he believes it “best symbolises the modern British, self-professed patriot”. It will be an example to all.
The payoff for Mr Johnson is not only the opportunity to attach himself to Mr Dyson’s reputation, but there’s something else in the bargain.
“James has promised Boris he will develop him a special edition Boris Johnson Vacuum Cleaner, which will definitely not suck. Also potentially a new Johnson hot air blade, to really blow those viral particles all over the place. A fitting tribute to his work in the pandemic.”
Mr Johnson is expected to gift the vacuum cleaner to either his mistress, his estranged wife, his fiancé or that new bit of hot totty he has his eyes on. Whatever seems funniest after smashing through a crate of claret.
The Dyson statue will also be a re-design of the boring old statue format.
“It’ll just be his head. Massive. Full of self-importance and blown completely out of proportion to his contribution to modern British life.”