SCURRYING INTO THE DARK PLACES : ALARM ON DOWNING STREET this morning after reports that the best chancellor ever, Risky Rishi Sunak, has gone missing.
“The search for the Chancellor is complicated by the inaccurate reports over his nickname,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views.
“He is referred to as Dishy Rishi, mostly because he bothers to comb his hair, as opposed to the PM. Oh, and also because he was born with just so much money. But. His actual nickname is Risky Rishi. This is in honour of his work delaying lockdowns. What’s the cost of that? Who’s counting? No one knows the location of those answers either.”
Additionally, no one also knows why the Chancellor seems unable to grasp the binding link between health of a population and the economy. It is hoped once he is located it can be explained fully to him.
“First things first. First we have to find him!”
Posters are being run up featuring some of Sunak’s candid portraits, but people are warned not to approach him if they spot him.
“He’s potentially dangerous. We’re not sure why he has gone missing. He could be on the run from some minor scandal relating to David Cameron. Tory MPs have been hiding in dark places since 2010 whenever the spotlight lands on them. Scurry off and hide! He could just be behaving in the standard way to avoid scrutiny. But it could be something else entirely.”
The something else appears to refer to reports Mr Sunak went missing while searching for Mr Gove, who is also missing.
“We don’t know if he found Gove. But it may explain his disappearance. He’ll be either tied to a table as the source of power for some ghastly power ritual by now, or also wearing the fetid cloth of a priest of evil powers and working with Gove to trigger the end times. Some say it’s best we never find out either way.”