BATHING IN GLORY : UK PM BORIS JOHNSON has a well deserved reputation as a political opportunist and he’s in his stride today, as with all days.
“He’s hiring that boozy, mouthy, ill informed but exceptionally confident Bath publican to head up the Downing Street pandemic response unit,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “He believes it will totally own the libs. They’ll be so gobsmacked they won’t notice the next bag fulls of billions handed out the back door to chums. And he can also double up as a Johnson body double. It’s a complete win.”
The move is seen as a “lightning rod” moment in Mr Johnson’s efforts to curb the killer virus, which got totally out of control several times, to the mystery of everyone. Even Mr Johnson.
“Hiring Rod Humphris will continue the tradition of having ageing men whose classic surname is spelt unusually playing key parts in UK life. It’s likely he’ll end up as a Today presenter on Radio 4 when he’s done. Neatly filling the shoes of the now retired John “‘BUT THE PEOPLE HAVE DECIDED’ Humprhys.”
The decision to hire Mr Humphris is believed to be supported by Tim Martin and other people who don’t understand anything at all about viruses.
“We can expect a quick and accelerated end to lockdowns and the vaccine programme to get a significant boost, as most vaccines will be replaced by specials on local ales.”
What Mr Starmer is making of the move isn’t clear.
“Mr Johnson has the brightest and the best in his cabinet. Adding Mr Humphris as a SPAD can only improve governance. And once he’s swapped mobile numbers with Matt Hancock and texted him a smiley face emoji he’ll be exceptionally well rewarded for his efforts.”