HISTORY IS WRITTEN BY THE VICTORS: The UK government has moved swiftly to cut off rumours about former Prime Minister David Cameron. It confirmed that a statue will be erected a lasting testament to his integrity and good faith.
There will be an enquiry, of course. The board had been appointed, boxes ticked, appropriate noises been made in Parliament. The commission will consider two questions. Firstly, on which grounds to exonerate Dodgy Dave. Secondly, where to place the statue.
The inner circle will not, of course, reveal any details, at least not on record. Many, however, will spill their guts on condition of strict anonymity. One insider, who gave his name only as “Grace Chrisling”, was particularly voluble, particularly after a pizza delivered by ferry.
“Everyone knows that old Dave is as dodgy as they come,” revealed Chrisling, tucking into thick crust pepperoni with extra mozzarella. “Aren’t we all, it’s such fun! A nod and a wink, quick backhander, few more quid in the bank, Bob’s your uncle. Is there any more of that garlic bread?”
Here’s some with extra cheese. Now, do you know how events will unfold?
“The enquiry will be dragged out for years,” said Chrisling, munching away happily. “Everyone will claim enormous fees, and even bigger lunches, before exonerating Dave.”
On what grounds?
“That Rayner woman once claimed for earbuds on expenses,” gloated Chrisling. “And if she was let off, we must treat Dave the same way! Now, pass the stuffed crust…”
The second question, where will the statue go?
“I don’t know!” spluttered Chrisling through a mouthful of ham and pineapple. “But, between you, me, and the gatepost, he will either replace Churchill, or fill the fourth plinth in Trafalgar Square. Then everybody will know that Dave could not have been dodgy, because he has a statue. Stands to reason, at least to the plebs. Pour us another cola!”
Innocent until proven guilty? The result was never in doubt.