BELCHY BAD SANTA : The United Kingdom’s greatest patriot, and runner up in the 2021 “Publican of the Blergh Awards”, Tim Martin is not taking the plummeting profits at his pubs lying down.
It is currently a baffling sub-theme of the post-Brexit landscape how a man of the standing of Tim Martin, who intentionally decided to piss off half the U.K. population, should see his profits in decline. The plague hasn’t helped, but not having the overwhelming backing of the country’s drinkers may not help any recovery.
He has though fought the downward curve tooth and nail. Firstly by demanding people come in and maybe catch a potentially lethal virus so he continue to amass his fortune. And no, we’re not talking Brexititis, although that risk is also ever present in his pubs.
He has lobbied the government to not lockdown, maybe in the hope that a collapsed health service would see a lot of thirsty nurses willing to risk any environment for a cheap double after work?
That didn’t work either. So now the latest swing at fate.
“We’re personalising our beer mats with the names of traitors,” a source claiming to work for ‘Spoons told LCD Views. “When patriots purchase a pint of lukewarm piss in our pubs now they’ll be able to read the names of local people working for Brussels through the smeary glass.”
The hope is the patron will get hammered and go around to the home of anyone they recognise and politely chastise them to go into Wetherspoons and find Mr Martin’s mind palace.
”And if that doesn’t work he’s going to hire David Cameron as a lobbyist and get some funding from the treasury.”
Bottoms up patriots!