PORK SCRATCHINGS : Britain’s greatest living ex-prime minister David Cameron has failed.
”It was a shock to anyone who hasn’t met him,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “I mean, he’s so charismatic. The problem is his ambition. Loser ex-PM’s just charge £50K a hit to have lunch and a peak at their book of contacts. Not Dave. He had bigger fish to fry. But now he’s the one he’s frying.”
And the thick smoke from the Dave vat is intense.
“Johnson is loving it though. Which is nice. Best laugh he’s had watching Cameron swing since giving new boys wedgies in the changing rooms as a schoolboy. Gives him a break from Carrie banging on about whether or not they chose the right wallpaper for the nursery too. Why ask him? He only just discovered they have a nursery at No.11. Now he wants to move out! Ha!”
While no one will resent Britain’s hardest working prime minister having a laugh at an old rival’s expense, there is a touch of concern that Tory cats maybe be coming out of Tory bags.
“The hoi polloi are just jealous. Why else would you become a modern Tory MP except to get the money back the great unwashed stole from your family via tax? Sound motivation. Public good. It’ll trickle back down. Maybe a bit smelly and yellow, but it’ll trickle alright.”
But what next for Cameron?
“Oh it’s a karmic avalanche. He’s failed at the easiest job in history. Imagine being so useless you can’t make a go of it in the U.K. of 2021 as a Tory insider lobbyist in an openly corrupt chumocracy? That takes some doing. World beating failure.”
Just call him Dave.