BARGAIN BUCKET DAVE : The Prime Minister has announced he will conduct an inquiry into the activities of the failed lobbyist, failed prime minister, failed shepherd’s hut shed dweller, failed referendum holder and failed hoodie hugger David Cameron.
The inquiry will focus on Dave’s leveraging of his address book for his high rolling mate Lex, and just how deep the inappropriate nature of the relationship percolated Mr Cameron’s premiership.
”People are saying it’s going to be a whitewash,” a 10 Downing Street source said. “More correctly these days that’s a red, white and blue wash. Patriotic rinse. It’ll be a world beating inquiry. Tory looks at Tory. Total probity. The public can have full confidence that if Mr Johnson harbours any ill feeling towards Mr Cameron he’ll be found guilty and hung out to dry. Also if it’s judged he’s serving well as a distraction from all the other grubby things the government is up to. You’ll just have to wait and see.”
We will also just have to wait and see what vintage Mr Johnson will consume in the preparation and conduct of the inquiry. This is because he’s going to construct the proceedings out of empty wine crates.
“You shouldn’t think though that the inquiry will be like one of those hastily thrown together, shabby, unfit for purpose buses Mr Johnson makes in his arts and crafts sessions. The wine will be high end, excellent vintage. This is guaranteed, because like everything this well tailored mob get up to, you’re paying for it.”
In more ways than one. And they’ve been at it for so long.