SINFUL OVER CONSUMPTION : Dramatic news from 10 Downing Street this morning with reports that a Sin-eater hired by the Prime Minister, Mr Creosote, has died.
The man, said to have been a professional, is believed to have abruptly expired last night during his regular shift in the 11 Downing Street flat.
Paying someone to absorb your own guilt, and thus cleanse you of your sins, has been a popular technique since the Middle Ages. This is the first report of a fatality though.
“He just rolled over, belched, farted, loosed his bowls and died,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It was a combination of chronic obesity related diseases, but the root cause is believed to have been his diet.”
Mr Johnson is rumoured to have hired the Sin-eater by his current partner, who is said to be worried that the sheer volume and accumulation of moral and ethical crimes by the prime minister may mean he is not there in years to come to father their child.
“The real shock is how sudden the death occurred,” the source continues. “The Sin-eater has only been employed by Downing Street since Saturday. He was lean and healthy when he arrived. It seems the sheer volume of sin he consumed so rapidly lead to a rapid decline in his health. Which is a shame, as there’s a mountain of horror left to be eaten and new sins added hourly.”
There are currently no plans to conduct a post-mortem as it is believed opening up the deceased’s body would be akin to a “Pandora’s Box level calamity.”
“We know the cause of death. It would be best to just have the Navy wrap the body in a Union Flag and dispose of the Sin-eater in a deep sea trench. Then all declare its move on.”