DANCE MACARBE : Reports of CALAMITY last night in the Little England village of Nostalgia after rehearsals for a new dance resulted in a flood of A&E admissions at the nearest hospital.
It’s understood the residents were hoping to build on the success of their VE Day 2020 conga line dance by inventing a new conga to celebrate Brexit at the upcoming festival.
“The dance has been designed by a local man, Mr Amnesia, who added a few extra twists and turns to the classic dance,” our local correspondent reports. “But a printer mishap meant each dancer received a slightly different set of instructions.”
It’s understood those taking part in the rehearsal had memorised exactly the moves they were to make, only many of those moves were incompatible with the ones learnt by others.
“It all started out coherently enough with everyone involved managing to separate themselves by some distance during the first change, the Leave means Leave steps, but it was when they came back together and attempted to move forward all hell broke loose.”
Eye witness accounts say “dancers elbowed each other in the eyes. Accidentally butt punched one another. Someone vomited after punching themselves in the stomach on purpose and then everyone was so desperate to avoid the puddle they just crashed together and went down like a sack of proverbial.”
Further reports of a firearm being discharged and blowing off the user’s foot after being investigated.
“I can confirm that Mr Bluff did cut off his own nose with a rusty razor during the step sequence titled ‘Stuff the French’. A spokesman for the hospital says doctors are attempting to re-attach the body part but the procedure is being complicated by the patient refusing point blank to believe he has cut his nose off in the first instance.”
Many of the injuries were worsened by a delay in seeking help as the dancers accused a small local group called “Remoaners” of being responsible for the catastrophic outcome, but none of them are known to have been involved.
“Further damage was sustained owing to the nearest hospital with an A&E department being over 50 miles distant, as the town’s own A&E was closed recently to make way for a Union Flag superstore.”
The organisers say they intend to continue rehearsals just as soon as they can “get their heads out of their arses”. That condition is said to be “pre-existing”.