MOURNING HAS BROKEN: Dominic Raab will today announce a national period of mourning. It will last, he will say, from the time you wake up until the time you have your mid-day meal.
In times past, that master of the public mood, Chris Grayling, would have been wheeled out to reassure the nation. Since his demise in a bizarre gardening accident, Raab has taken on his mantle with aplomb.
It is in sad times such as these that we, The British People, look to our leaders to set the tone. Fortunately our beloved Foreign Secretary is the ideal candidate. He has been taking extra lessons in setting the tone from Matt Hancock.
But Raab needs no further encouragement. He is a man who naturally inspires confidence. There is something majestic about the sweaty forehead, the throbbing vein in the temple, the raabbit in the headlights stare.
Additionally, you need look no further than his monumental achievements. Raab, you will remember, single handedly discovered the excessive amount of UK trade that passes through the Dover-Calais route. Although this is much diminished these days, thanks to Raab’s secondary discovery that red tape streamlines trade to the point of elimination.
Keen readers will also recall his inspirational handling of Northern Ireland. This is a sensitive area, requiring careful diplomacy, but Raab’s approach was innovative. Innovative to the point of not actually reading the Good Friday Agreement. Well, in his defence, it is a full 35 pages long, and Boris Johnson himself can only manage two pages at a time. (Other Agreements are available.)
So we as a nation will mourn. We will lower our flags as we lower our tone. We will all wear our Sunday best Union Jack pattern suits. Then in the afternoon it will be fine to return to angry nationalism and throwing patriotic petrol bombs.