IT WASN’T US GUV HONEST : Downing Street has searched shallow and answered many pressing questions this week with reports based on investigations whose outcomes were in no way pre-determined.
“Clearly we’ve solved racism in the UK by making Boris Johnson prime minister,” a 10 Downing Street insider tells LCD Views. “The solution was to make it acceptable again. If a racist can become PM? What’s to stop any of you?”
And other pressing matters were also investigated. Such as the failure of the British fishing industry.
“Clearly the fishing industry has not suffered any reversals as a result of taking back control of British waters. Sovereignty is money in the bank. We all know that. But somebody, somewhere, did something. We had to find out.”
Find out they did it seems as the report on the British fishing industry’s current status, or Clusterfuck, as the report has been nicknamed, proves.
“It was the Germans,” the source explains. “We knew it was either them or the French even before we investigated. Open and shut case.”
Curious readers and observers of the UK will be keen to learn exactly how the Germans did it though.
“The summary of the report answers it. The rest of it is just padding. The Germans caused the collapse of British fishing because their car industry failed to turn up and sort Brexit. It’s just obvious.”
What to do now the cause is identified will be the next question in many minds.
“What to do? That’s also obvious. We just wait for the German car industry to acknowledge the error of its ways. Then it will turn up and sort it. We’re Global Britain. Everyone is banging down our doors. Just ask Liz Truss!”
What will be done while we wait?
“We’ll pay off the fishermen with taxpayers’ cash like we do for everything. Nothing some taxpayers’ cash can’t solve. Just ask the entirety of the parliamentary Tory Party!”