GROUND ZERO : The United Kingdom is advised to sleep easier this evening after irreversible action was taken to protect the Prime Minister.
Shortly after 5am this morning in a subterranean nuclear test facility in Pembrokeshire a small thermonuclear device was detonated with a man strapped to the outside.
The identity of the man has not been made public, but it is understood he was transformed into his component atoms and smashed further. This transformative experience means he will no longer ever be able to talk about what he knows about the prime minister.
“The man will certainly be missed by some, but as his name will now be scrubbed from public record, we are confident that he will soon be forgotten. His dangerous knowledge having gone with him into the afterlife.”
It’s believed the nuclear explosion was necessary because the man was the only keeper of one of the prime minister’s darkest secrets.
“He once heard Boris Johnson tell the truth. Had he ever spoken about the experience it would risk the entire edifice of British politics. The truth is not a commodity valued by the Prime Minister. Should you get an inkling that it is you may begin to expect he should keep to it. This would lead to a rapid failure of a system of governance designed around deception and gaslighting. The man and the nuclear weapon had to have their special moment together.”