SPAFFING MONEY UP THE WALL: The news has broken that absolutely nobody is interested in a Prime Ministerial scandal. Neither is anyone interested that Boris Johnson allegedly lied about the alleged affair.
The fact that it’s our money he spaffed on, well, spaffing (allegedly), is also of no concern to the Great British Public.
“If it was important it would be on the BBC, innit?” enquired member of the public Willie Notice. “And it’s not on the BBC. So it never happened, right?”
Notice has a point. The BBC is there to report the news robustly, fairly and accurately, after all.
“If there was any truth in it, innit,” he continued. “It would be first item on the news, know what I mean? If Boris really shagged that bird and paid for it with our money, and lied about it after, that’s just the sort of thing the BBC would report, yes? So it never happened. Stands to reason, innit.”
There is the suggestion that the BBC is under orders not to report any news that could damage the Prime Minister or his government.
“Well, yeah, the BBC’s gone a bit shit these days, man, innit,” Notice conceded. “But think of it like this. What’s the story? Bloke shags bird, bloke spends money on bird, bloke lies about shagging bird, bloke puts it all on expenses. That is just a bloke being a bit of a geezer, innit?”
But it’s the Prime Minister. And it’s your money he spaffed. Then he lied about it. Allegedly. Do you want that man as your Prime Minister?
“Don’t care,” said Notice. “To be honest, if I was Prime Minister, I would do the same. Who cares about governing. I’m the flippin’ PM! Never mind Get Brexit Done, let’s get some serious shagging done!”
Johnson has been caught with his pants down. Unsurprisingly, as his pants are on fire.