FLAG STONED: Patriotic penny-pinching pub chain Wetherspoons has taken steps to ensure the quality of its clientele. In future, customers wishing to sample their bargain beers must carry The Flag.
This is a simple procedure, ‘Spoons bosses believe, that will weed out undesirables. Any potential customers failing to carry a Union Jack will be forbidden to enter, in case they start to destroy the atmosphere with undemocratic language.
Instead, non-flag bearers will be told, in no uncertain terms, to bugger off and go to the nearest champagne socialist bar, since they obviously hate their country.
“Our customers like a nice quiet skinful in their comfortable little bubble,” explained the manager of the Permanently Outraged Gammon, Rhys Pectarcuntry. “Our punters do not wish their evening out to be spoilt by some four-eyed Guardian reader drinking low-alcohol single malt and bothering them with facts and intelligent discussion. They make our core customer base uncomfortable, making them turn aggressive. They lost, they need to get over it, and drink somewhere else until they do!”
Remoaners are also being discouraged by the installation of life-size cardboard cutouts of Boris Johnson. Unfortunately the usual clientele tend to nick them unless they are bolted to the floor.
“We are also experimenting with personalised condiment sets,” continued Pectarcuntry. “You know, like Nigel Farage salt cellars. But Nigel wanted to charge £175 each, and the boss wouldn’t put his hand in his pocket, the tight git.”
As a compromise, ‘Spoons branches will play the collected speeches of Winston Churchill over the PA, instead of the traditional muzak. Daily Spitfire fly-bys were mooted, but abandoned when they realised that the planes wouldn’t fit through the pub doorway. Instead, the big screens will show war footage whenever there is a break in the football.
Just in case, ‘Spoons will employ bouncers to be on the alert for Union Jacks. No flag? No entry!