HOW TO WIN FRIENDS : Global Statesman and national powerhouse Boris Johnson has moved to soothe the troubled waters that is the strip of water separating mighty Global Britain from the others.
Fears have been growing over recent days of a full scale vacccccccine war between the free trading superpower of Global Britain and the fading, tyrannical Brussels.
“We have asked the MOD to draw up plans to carpet bomb Brussels with AZ phials,” a 10 Downing Street source says. “But the PM is insistent we do not initiate hostilities unilaterally. But should they mine the English Channel with say, polio shots, we will be ready with short range Small Pox bombs.”
Hopefully calmer heads will prevail and there will be no full scale outbreak of syringe war.
“We will continue to win the war of words with brinkmanship, bluster and bluff. The three B’s of Boris’s international strategy. Brussels will soon come to heel. Just like they did in the Brexit negotiations, which only cost us our entire fishing, farming and financial services to secure victory. In my personal estimation, we should promote Lord Frost to Field Marshall, just to be ready though. Just in case. His cunning alone would likely only result in minor losses, like at the Somme.”
But sharp eyed observers have suggested there maybe other reasons World King Johnson is less keen to flex the muscles of all conquering Britannia.
”I deny the quote is genuine,” the source said, in advance of the coming quote. “Some will say that it’s accurate. That Boris Johnson said he won’t engage in a vacccccccine tit for tat export ban with Europe, because we can’t, we don’t export any. But I couldn’t possibly confirm that.”