I’M A LUMBERJACK AND I’M OK: Undercover police are adopting innovative measures to protect women in pubs, as part of “Operation Lumberjack”. In order to fully empathise with the female experience, male officers will dress up in high heels, suspenders, and a bra.
Female officers will be expected to dress up as Priti Patel.
In order to blend in successfully, further guidance has been issued by the Met. Officers must eat their lunch, go to the lavatory, and have buttered scones for tea – but this latter condition only after shopping on Wednesdays.
Once this programme is complete, officers must complete modules on Skipping & Jumping, and Pressing Wild Flowers. Once this completely normal behaviour has been assimilated successfully, police officers will be free to hang around in bars, where it is expected that they will blend in seamlessly.
As ever these days, some people will make an extreme effort to take offence at everything.
“This announcement demeans men who like putting on women’s clothing,” grumbled a tall, deep-voiced, heavily muscled and bearded lady, who gave her name as Lacie Smalls. “Nobody understands me, least of all my wife, and this Operation Lumberjack will only cause me further distress!” Smalls wiped away a solitary tear, picked up a huge axe, and departed to chop down some trees.
Smalls forgets that there is a long tradition of cross-dressing in the UK, albeit often for comic effect. Strip down any Shakespeare comedy or pantomime, and you will find boys pretending to be girls, girls pretending to be boys, and either pretending to be half of a cow.
So far, so good. But what do actual living, breathing, drinking-in-bars women think?
“It’s not the blokes in dresses who generally cause problems,” observed female person Rose English. “But it’s nice to know that there will be police out and about to look after our safety, though I worry that turning up looking like a Monty Python character might diminish their authority somewhat.”
Operation Lumberjack. Sleep all night, work all day, and you will be OK.