THE END OF TIME : The UK’s last and most impactful prime minister, Boris Johnson, is not content to just change his official title to ‘Caesar’, he is also taking another leaf out of the ancient ruler’s handbook.
“All world kings get to refurbish the calendar, it’s tradition. Why should it be any different for Boris Johnson?” a Downing Street source asked LCD Views.
We couldn’t think of any reason why not, so we agreed.
“Johnson art was the month the Prime Minister technically got Brexit done and freed our glorious country to re-civilise the world once more. It’s only fitting.”
And it’s not just Mr Johnson that Mr Johnson is honouring.
“He’s also renaming other dates in the calendar. September is now Symondsber in honour of his current squeeze. Whether or not she retains the title when he decides to sire another child and moves on is a problem for another day.”
Other key allies also get a look in, with Friday the 13th becoming a public holiday in honour of Priti Patel each time it occurs. Which is nice.
“We’re looking into renaming the days of the week too. The smart money is on selling the honours to Tory donors. Buy a day? What about Monday? Rename it after yourself. Most of them don’t know what to do with the PPE windfalls, so we expect a competitive market.”
What the rest of the world thinks of the PM’s plans isn’t clear though, with some concerned they may refuse to follow suit.
“Why do you think we’re buying extra nukes? The rest of the world will come to heel by next Johnsonary or we’ll ask the Yanks for the codes to the bad boys Johnson is spending the nurses’ pay rise on.”