Police told to guard statues in case one of them is a woman pretending to be one

STONE COLD CRAZY: The monstrous regiment of far left militant women must be guarded against. Every statue must be guarded carefully in case dear old Queen Vic turns out to be a killer queen in disguise. 

The public has been put on high alert. The male public, at least. In an update of McCarthy’s ‘reds under the bed’, every man must suspect his wife, sister, mother, daughter, mistress, of being a stormtrooper in stilettos. 

Under new emergency regulations, metallic paint may only be sold to men, and under licence. Street performers will be outlawed. It’s a policy that can’t possibly misfire. 

On the south coast, people were outraged. “This is trendy town, London on sea!” grumbled South Downs stalwart Lewis Sussex. “How will Brighton rock without its statues and street art?” 

In Glasgow the population suffered a sheer heart attack. “There’s no way you can be a tenement funster if all the girls are a potential enemy!” claimed tenement dweller Clyde Bridge. “This is destroying a whole way of life.” 

The brains behind the scheme is the famously world beating intellect belonging to Priti Patel. 

“Dear friends,” started the Prittster, sounding hostile and unfriendly. “This is all because women have been gettin’ ideas above their station. Women should be stayin’ in the kitchen, lookin’ after their families, and keepin’ their big fat gobs shut. No, of course the rules don’t apply to me,” she snapped, dismissing the obvious retort with a flick of the wrist. 

On the positive side, statues reported that they felt much safer.” Now I’m here, think I’ll stay around,” remarked leading statue Stan Donaplinth.” Not that I have much choice about it, but at least I’m no longer frightened of being thrown into the river by a bunch of militant feminists.” 

Who is going to protect us? Ultimately it’s in the lap of the gods. 

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