BRITISH SUNLIGHT : It has long been known that God is an Englishman, this is so self evident that no further explanation is required, but what of course of the works of God? Such as Brexit? Such as sunlight?
Happily a Boris Johnson initiative has the answer. An until now secret science project (although taxpayer funded from the start) has reported its findings after an exhaustive study of the sun.
“Clearly sunlight is British,” Professor Wantfungle tells LCD Views in an exclusive. “We had that hypothesis, and just like the benefits for trade that naturally flow from Brexit, we set out to prove it.”
And prove it the Professor and his colleagues did.
“We’ve already established British water, British wind, British sprouts, British spirit, just a whole raft of matters have been resolved to be British and superior. But what about sunlight? The answer is easy. It’s also British. We proved this by studying the light spectrum that comprises sunlight.”
In order to do the study the Professor had to go the extra mile both metaphorically and on a plane.
“Obviously there’s not hours of sunlight over Britain to complete the work, so we undertook the study in the Pacific. And the results were very satisfying. The full light spectrum makes up British sunlight. It’s comprised of red, white and blue.”
The next problem the team will work on is how to retake control of British sunlight.
“For far too long foreigners all over the world have taken advantage of our outward looking and generous nature as a nation and used more British sunlight than we do ourselves.”
This is a problem everyone can notice just for themselves by looking outside pretty much any day of the year in the United Kingdom.
“We will take back control of the sun,” the Professor concludes. “And then we will ram the entire UK right into the face of it.”