U-turn by Downing Street after “patriotic update to NHS badge” to go with 1% NHS pay rise

TIN OF EAR AND STONE OF HEART : The NHS is being instructed by Downing Street to claim victory today in its fight to receive an inflation busting pay rise.

Matt Hancock is to address the National Health Service over hospital tannoy systems later today and announce a new and patriotic “NHS medal” for health and social care workers. “Essentially it’s the old NHS badge updated. It will also replace the CARE badge, mostly because we don’t.”

“Recognition is more important than money,” Mr Hancock will also tell the workers, before recounting how he said he would never support the prorogation of Parliament to serve Brexit (before doing just that). “Clearly when it comes to PPE contracts it’s the reverse.”

The badge design is said to have been the work of no less a genius than the prime minister himself and is in the shape of one hand clapping.

“Clearly it’s both exhausting and expensive to clap with both hands. But one hand clapping allows you to not only recognise the sacrifices of NHS staff, but also allows the PM to have a free hand to carry on with what he does best.”

The badges, or medals, will be awarded to staff at flag draped award ceremonies which they will be expected to attend in their holidays.

“It will be compulsory to receive and wear the medal. On receipt you are no longer allowed to talk about pay rises anymore, you will show your gratitude for the government’s traditional recognition of individual sacrifice for the state.”

The medals will be produced in a factory owned by a minister’s mate, who lately has turned from producing replica Big Bens to PPE.

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