ALL TRUSSED UP : Downing Street is to go on the offensive after a completely baffling and unexpected fall in British exports. Something must be done.
“No less a trade supremo than Liz Truss is on the case,” a Department of International Trade source reassures LCD Views. “There is no export that she can’t get a handle on. What she does with it afterwards is anyone’s guess. But we know it must be magic. Especially if we’re talking about pork and cheese.”
Liz Truss will target the EU27 first and foremost, after having concluded ramped up, world beating trade deals with the rest of the known world.
“For some completely confusing reason British exports have suffered a serious decline following the New Year. While a completely arbitrary and manmade date should be so consequential is anyone’s guess. But we’re not going to explore that. We’re going to go on a charm offensive to Europe.”
And the offensive will see Liz styled out in Union Jacks and ready to beguile those staid Europeans.
“We are confident that with the right amount of boosterism and fetish level flag waving the EU27 importers will be tumbling over themselves for British products.”
Rest assured Global Britons. Buy British isn’t just the policy to deal with a catastrophic decline in the economy at home, even if we don’t make it anymore. Like good. Thanks to Liz and her boss Boris buy British will see those cashed up Europeans and their pathetic market of half a billion fighting each other for what we make.
If they don’t buy it, who will? That’s a question Liz Truss has the answer to. She just doesn’t know it yet.