WHO WANTS TO BE A BILLIONAIRE? The mega-rich Chancellor, “Fishy” Rishi Sunak, is to turn down a well-deserved pay rise in solidarity with our heroic underpaid nurses.
“It’s only fair,” dissembled the BBC’s loyal Propaganda Chief, Laura Norder. “Nobody is more deserving than the nurses, and let’s face it, Fishy Rishi is hardly a nobody!”
She blushed, doubtless recalling some steamy episode.
To be fair, the figures show that a nurse will earn a whopping £3.50 a week extra on average. By contrast, anyone earning a salary of a billion pounds, and receiving a pay rise of 1%, would receive only a mere £1.38 more per second.
Many other prominent ministers are following suit. Matt Hancock is going to weep crocodile tears live on TV. Boris Johnson is going to tell transparent lies about how we all have to make sacrifices. And Priti Patel is going to get the numbers wrong, bully anyone who points out her error, and pay them £340,000 to keep quiet.
“Let’s face it, the government’s coffers are empty,” continued Norder, hastily pocketing a brown envelope stuffed with used banknotes. “There are moves afoot to create a new currency consisting of claps, but the technology to make an applauding cash machine is some distance away. Ministers are working night and day to dream up alternative arrangements.”
A big hand for the government, or just a finger?
“Give them a break!” screeched Norder. Broken fingers? “No, not Rishi’s fishy fingers, no government has ever had such a crisis to deal with, when they were elected on a promise to Get Brexit Done and that’s it, contract out the actual governing to luminaries like His Eminent Lordship David Frost, and spend the rest of their term throwing bread rolls and brickbats at Sir Keir Starmer.”
Bless you Mr Sunak! Compassion doesn’t come cheap.